Zette's Storybook

One


Baby had slept three nights in the abandoned house so far, and liked it less each night, no matter how appropriate the choice might have seemed with Halloween only two days away. And Apache would never look for her in a supposedly haunted house. She could, she hoped, count on that one bit of stability in her life.

Still, she didn't think she could stand staying here another night. Game or not, she would have to find a new place before sunset tomorrow, despite the danger of moving so late in the month. Apache had more points -- again -- and Baby didn’t want to make it too easy for her sister. She didn't mind paying for Apache's vacation to the Bahamas -- after all, it was the only way she could actually get Apache to take time off --

A door slammed upstairs.

Baby leapt to her feet, her hand going for her dagger even before she thought about it. A sudden cold breeze blew through the small room ruffling the shreds of curtains at the windows, blowing the dust up from the old table.

Baby sneezed, cursed, and sneezed again. Wonderful spy.

The floor above her began to creak with the sound of footsteps, a sliding sound, and the faint whisper of words. Baby purposely put the dagger back in her leg sheath and pulled the pants down. Then she made her way to the door leading to the hall and looked out. For a moment she thought she saw a flash of light at the top of the stairs. . . .

Maybe she could find somewhere else to sleep yet tonight.

With a quick step, and hardly a limp at all, she crossed to the front door. It would not open. In fact, the harder she tried, the worse it seemed to stick.

A creak on the stairs; Baby spun, feeling a breeze again, and colder this time. She could hear voices -- quiet, sad, hysterical. A light hovered on stairs, but no one stood there.

"Oh shit."

Baby raced back to the little room, closed and secured the door. The curtains ruffled at the window, and a dark shape obscured the faint light of night. She pulled her dagger again, if only because it gave her something to do with her hands.

Behind her, the door rattled and someone -- something -- made soft whispering sounds. Baby held her breath and moved silently along the wall, heading for the only window and the way out, despite the thing that flowed into the room -- an arm, a leg, a head --

Long hair, the flash of a headband.

Baby reached forward and put her dagger underneath Apache's chin. Apache froze, a hand on the wall, one foot inside the window.

"I suppose you think this is very funny, don't you?" Baby said.

"No," Apache confessed. "I can't say that I do."

"You have pushed me too far this time, Morning Star Sangre. You had me. You didn't have to play these games."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Apache at last demanded. "Listen, if you hadn't been so careless with the light, I never would have come near a place like this. You know how I feel about haunted houses."

"What light?"

"The one upstairs. I knew you were in the neighborhood. I talked to the guy who owns the comic book shop a couple blocks away. But I never would have tried --"

"I didn't have a light on."

"I saw a light in the upstairs window," Apache said. "Would you kindly take that dagger away from my throat before I shove it up your --"

Baby pulled the dagger away. "Apache are you trying to tell me that you're not responsible for what's been going on in this house?"

"I just got here," Apache said. She squinted into the room. "What's going on?"

The door began to rattle, softly at first, and then with a sudden force. And it had gotten very cold.

"You win this round, Apache," Baby said and began pushing her sister back out.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Something pounded, wailing, "Let me in, let me in, let me in..."

"Apache, YOU WIN."

"Right."

Apache tried to scramble out of the way. Baby went out over the top of her.

"Watch that dagger, you idiot!"

They tumbled onto the ground. Apache leapt to her feet, and Baby-sat up rubbing her shoulder. A light hung in the window. Perhaps a face -- but Baby couldn't be certain since she and Apache had reached the corvette by then. Neither suggested they go back and check it out. And for once Baby didn't complain about losing.



Two


They met for lunch the next day. Apache picked her sister up outside Baby's apartment and they drove in silence to the nearest Taco Bell. It wasn't until they were seated across from one another that Baby finally broke the silence.

"So, how are things going with you?"

Apache put her soda down and looked at her sister. "What was going on in that house last night?"

"I don't know, I don't want to know, and I don't want to talk about it."

Apache nodded. "Well, I take this month anyway."

"Only on a technicality."

"I got in by skill alone, hermana mia. I knew you were in the neighborhood. I would have found you eventually."

"You had outside help."

"Not of my own choice."

Baby nodded again and went back to her food, though with less than her usual enthusiasm.

"By the way, I got a call from The Office this morning," Apache said. "I have an assignment."

"You alone, huh?" Baby said. "I wonder if Alan will ever let us work together again."

"That fiasco in Japan last July may have finally convinced him we're too dangerous to put together. It would be about time. Not that this looks too serious. I have to make a run down to Dallas, and take some papers from there to the office in New York."

"About damn time they gave you one of those boring courier jobs instead of sticking me with it!" Baby said. Her mood noticeably improved. "When do you leave?"

"I'll drop you off and head for the airport. Non-stop to Dallas, about two hours layover, and then on to New York. I should be home tomorrow."

"Ah," Baby said. She titled her head a little. "You know, this sounds like a pretty routine case for them to send you out. What do you think is really going on?"

"I expect complications, but I can handle them. Do you want me to bring you anything back?"

"Some of that great pastry from the shop around the corner from the HQ would be nice. The strawberry stuff. I don't like the blueberry ones."

"Okay. I can handle that," Apache said and began picking up her trash. "Ready?"

"I'm going to walk back to my apartment. Nice weather today. Have a good trip!"

Apache nodded and stood, pausing for a moment as she looked at Baby, feeling as though. . . . well, as though things were not quite normal.

But then, they never had been.

She made the airport in plenty of time, and relaxed in a bar for a few minutes prior to the flight. What Baby had said about this being too routine was, of course, right. She had mentioned it to Alan and jokingly suggested she take Baby along for back up. He had not been amused. In fact, he had been rather upset at the thought of the two of them, together, working for him.

Not that she couldn't handle a simple assignment on her own. She only hoped Alan didn't have some strange idea about pairing her up with someone else. All in all, she had to admit that her work with her sister had always ended well, while the few times they had worked with different partners, it had not. She had been forced to kill the last two, and the other three had defected. Baby's luck was even worse.

The flight to Dallas proved so boring she napped. The stockbroker in the seat beside her littered his conversation with enough facts and figures to put a computer to sleep. He was also married, on the make, and Apache did not like the combination. When he offered her arm when they landed, she glared so well that he pushed past three people to get away.

She went down to baggage claim, even though she hadn't had any luggage when she got on board. On the third time around, a familiar case sat in among the others, the gold stamp of FUTURE clearly on the top. She grabbed it, left the building, and then walked back around and entered again with a large group. She picked up her ticket for New York and went through all the rigors of getting back on a plane.

So far, no problem.

So why did her hand keep going to where she usually wore her dagger? Eventually she decided just to read the reports she was carrying. What harm could that do?


Three


Apache had been gone barely twenty-four hours when Baby turned on the TV and learned that her sister had invaded and taken over the island of Santa Servatus de Raton in an overnight coup d'état.

She turned off the TV and went back to bed.

Unfortunately, the news didn't look any better at noon since by then the Santa Servatus de Raton's army seemed to have invaded the Texas Gulf Coast. Congress had already started calling for immediate air strikes.

Well hell. It still looked more interesting than sitting around her apartment. She packed a bag with a few necessities -- Twinkies, a book to read, and her rock painting kit -- and then checked her watch. The timing looked good, so she headed out the window, since someone had been waiting for her to leave through the door all morning.

When she worked her way around to the neighbor's window, Mr. Adams came and let her in.

"Door stuck again, huh?" he said. Mrs. Adams stepped out of the bathroom, nodded hello, and went back to brushing her hair.

"Yeah, afraid so."

"Is that your sister we keep seeing on CNN?

"Yeah, afraid so."

"Thought as much," he said. He went back to his sofa and stretched out, toes wiggling. "Going to go join her now?"

"Yeah, afraid so," Baby said.

She had made it to the door and peered out into the hall. Three men stood in the doorway across from her apartment. FUTURE agents at that. They should have known better. From here she had a clear view of the elevator. She also knew the habits of Miss Bailey, who lived at the far end of the hall. Miss Bailey always came home at noon to check on her goldfish. Miss Bailey dressed in skintight silky things, and had the body to go with the clothing. She arrived right on time. Baby held her breath, hoping no one else called for the elevator in those few moments when she strolled down the hall, and the guys watched her intently. Once Miss Bailey moved past them -- and they were still watching her -- Baby darted out of the Adam's apartment, and across to the elevator. She slid in just as the door closed.

She wondered how long those three were going to wait around for her when the elevator door opened into the hotel's lobby, and there stood Alan and Mickey.

"Hey," she said. "That's tricky!"

"I knew you'd get past the three upstairs," Alan said. He came to flank her on one side and Mickey on the other. "You don't really expect us to just let you go off, do you?"

"Of course I do," she said. "You don't think you're going to stop me do you?"

"Baby, we have some real problems. I don't know what your sister is up to --"

"Like you ever did. I don't know what she's up to. But I intend to find out."

Alan started to put a hand on her arm. She evaded that touch and glared back at him, mistrust so clear in her face that he looked stunned. "Baby?"

"Show me your hands."

He lifted them both up. Mickey had moved away from Baby's side as well and looked at her with a shake of his head. "It's all right. He wouldn't do that to you."

"Do what?" Alan said. Then he looked startled. "No, I wouldn't drug you like Bart did. My apologies, Morning Star. I only want to make certain that you, too, don't head off into trouble with your sister."

"Why?"

"Because we do not understand what's happening," he said. "I sent Apache into this danger, and I will not risk you as well."

She had started to back to the door, but she stopped and smiled in a way that she doubted either of them had ever seen before. "Thank you Alan. I appreciate it. But you have to realize by now that we're a team. You really wouldn't want me around without Apache."

"I have complete faith in your ability as an agent without your sister's help," Alan said. Then he frowned. "Damn. That means I have to let you go, doesn't it? Because if I have faith in you, I have to believe that you can go in to this mess and get back out. But I had faith in Apache, too."

"More than you have in me," she said. He shook his head. "Don't deny it. Everyone has more faith in Apache. And the truth is she may be just where she wants to be."

"On an indefensible island about to get the hell bombed out of her?" Mickey asked.

"Does that sound unusual for Apache?"

"No," Alan said. He finally just lifted his hands in a gesture of defeat. "Go. Find out what the hell is going on."

"Thank you. Anything you can tell me?"

"Yes. I had one message on my phone from your sister. She said that if she saw one more CIA agent, she would come back and work her way through their office with a stun gun and fly paper. I really didn't like the sounds of that."

"CIA. Well. Mickey, can you check that end?"

"Sure, as long as I go in disguise and no one realizes I'm associated with you two. It's amazing what the name Sangre can do to people. Can I drop you somewhere?"

"The airport, if you don't mind."

"Not at all. Would you like a ride back, Alan?"

Alan looked from Baby to Mickey and back again. "You two do realize that I'm in charge of FUTURE, right?"

"Sure. Otherwise I wouldn't offer you a ride," Mickey said.

"You are spending way too much time with the Sangres," Alan said. He headed for the door. "Let's go. Baby has a lot of work ahead of her."



Four

Apache sat down at the President of Santa Servatus de Raton's desk and began going through all the drawers. She sat all the papers on top and began to read them. When the door to the office opened, she shot the person who stepped through. He looked at the dart in his arm and frowned.

"You have one minute and seventeen seconds to go sit down before it kicks in. And next time take me seriously when I say I don't want to be disturbed."

"Ah... Yes, Madame President. But..." She lifted the gun. "Never mind. The General can wait."

"Damned right he can. I'm replacing him anyway. You better go take a nap now."

"Yes ma'am."

He pulled the door closed. She heard him hit the floor on the other side.

"Timing is off," she mumbled. "Must be something in the local diet."

A jet swept over the building, close enough to rattle the windows. Damn, that would put everyone on edge. She needed calm for a few more hours. Was that too much to ask? After all, she'd done the hard work already -- overthrown the government, set up a new senate, and negotiated a contract with a cable company. She'd think they could give her a few hours of peace.

But no. Congress wanted to bomb them because of that invasion problem on the coast. Well, they had a few surprises coming there as well.

No one had fixed the phone service to the mainland yet. She couldn't reach any of the troops she'd sent to Texas. Nor could she reach her sister -- and that rather troubled her. There was no telling what Baby might do when she saw the news. Not that it wouldn't be interesting, but Apache really didn't need interesting right now. She needed information.

She didn't find information in the papers from the desk. She leaned back in the chair and tried to consider the next place to look. Not in the desk, not in the office files, not in the President's -- former President's home.

Damn.

In a fit of pique --and because she really didn't have anything better to do -- she began tearing the desk apart, piece-by-piece. It proved therapeutic. And enlightening. On the underside of one drawer she found a large envelope full of eight by ten black and white photos. Interesting to see the esteemed Senator in such an interesting position, and with so many men and women. She filed those in her briefcase for later use, and went back to work on the desk.

And that was when she found the Ouiji Board under the desktop blotter. She found the little letter finder thingy in the pencil holder. Well why not?

She put it on the board, touched it....

A few minutes later she sat back and frowned. Ah well. Well, if nothing else, it was the first thing willing to give her answers.



Five


Getting to the island wouldn't exactly be easy. For one thing, the US seemed to think they were about to go to war with this spot of land about twenty miles in total size, and which they had never heard of before. Baby, who had some dealings with islands that suddenly appeared and disappeared again, didn't think it so strange that she'd never heard of it before. She did, however, find it odd that her sister had taken it over. Apache hated to be in charge of things.

Baby began to suspect she might be dealing with a Pod Person. That might not be all bad. After all, a lifetime of having Apache as an older sister did make other possibilities rather appealing.

But the first thing she had to get to the Island and make an assessment of the situation. Apache might have a completely logical reason for all of this.

Right.

She had just decided to borrow one of the Air Force jets (which probably wouldn't go over well) when she heard two men arguing over whether or not the plane with the cable employees and their equipment could head for the island. Knowing who would win that one -- she'd dealt with the cable company before -- Baby made her way to their plane and stowed away. They took off within the hour. Sounded like they had a jet escort, too.

Business always wins in the US. She'd have thought people realized that by now.



When the plane landed, Baby slid out of the cargo hatch, stretching and trying to get the kink out of her knee. It had been a bit of a bumpy ride, but she made it to Santa Servatus de Raton with very little trouble so far. And now she need only find her wayward sister.

She walked out of the airport and skirted the palm trees. It was a lovely, moonlit night, the weather comfortable and the air sweet. All in all, she thought maybe Apache hadn't made such a bad decision -- from FUTURE spy to President of this paradise. There had to be a position open here for her.

A huge billboard sized picture of Apache hung on the building across from the airport. It was not her best picture, but it did have the effect of probably scaring the hell out of anyone who stepped out of the airport to see it. And beneath the picture were words written in a half dozen languages.

Don't give me any shit. I'm in charge.

Baby slid back by the trees and watched as the first set of Cable People came out.

"Good God! That doesn't look good!"

"Let's get back on the plane."

"We don't have enough fuel to make it back to the mainland."

"Fine. We'll go part way and swim the rest."

"Let's just get to our hotel and rest for awhile. Maybe it'll look better in the morning."

"That? Look better? What the hell have we gotten ourselves into?"

"Come on."

Baby fell in behind them as they walked away. No one looked back.

The single city seemed to be caught in a subdued 'oh my god what have we done' panicked sort of mood. The natives sat in street side cafes drinking enough liquor to keep the army afloat, and it didn't seem to be helping any. Baby had the slight problem that on an island this small, everyone knew everyone else. Sometime after midnight she finally convinced a group of people that they knew her. By then they were so drunk that they thought they were related to the park bench, but it worked. They even let her walk home with them, along the lovely moon swept beach.

"What happened?" Baby asked. "How did she get in charge?"

"Hell if we know," one of the men said, shaking his head. "She just dropped in, walked up to the palace, and took over."

"Dropped in?"

"Yeah. You know, parachute." One of the group fell face down in the sand. "Ah good, we got Mari home." They walked on. "She made one speech."

"Yes?"

"Well, you read it on the portrait, right?"

Baby nodded. It sounded about right for the type of speech her sister would give.

Jets flew overhead. They looked up, frowning.

"Damn those are loud. Going to be hell in the morning with the hangovers. We may have to fight back then."

Baby nodded.

Someone else fell down. They left him.

"So, are you going to try to get rid of her?" Baby asked.

"Why?"

Good question. And the final one she could ask since the last of her companions fell down in the sand.

Ah well. Probably just as well. She needed to go to the source and talk to the President to find any real answers. In the morning. Baby walked along the beach for a ways until she found a really comfortable spot. It looked like this house wasn't taken, so she dropped down and slept.



Six


Apache did the Ouiji Board four times before she finally admitted that the answer wouldn't change.

"Damn. All in all, I liked the crossword puzzle book better."

"Pardon, Madame President?" Kaimi looked up, yawned, still coming out of his drugged daze.

"Where's the cemetery?"

"Oh no," he said. "I'm not going to the cemetery. Not tonight. All Hallows Eve, Madame. Not a place to be. No."

"Where the hell is the cemetery?" She said, standing.

"About half a mile down the road, turn right and head for the beach. Can't miss it."

"Thanks."

"You aren't going alone, are you?" he said, his eyes going wide again. "People disappear in the cemetery. We don't go near there at night."

"Do you really think anything is going to mess with me?"

He stopped, blinked. "No. You're right. In fact, I think it safer with you than anywhere else. What do we need?"

"Holy water, salt, garlic, a gun with some silver bullets, and a good solid stake."

"Ah...."

"Baring that, I have everything I need on me. Come along." She looked down at the desk and sighed. "Damn. I wish I had brought Baby along after all."

"Baby?"

"My sister."

He paled. "You have a sister? Gods save us."

"You know, a lot of people have that reaction, but usually only after they meet her."

He shuddered, yawned, and followed her out of the office.

General Henri still sat waiting in the outer room. He stood, his face livid, his neck bulged with anger. His hand went to his gun.

Apache shot him in the forehead with the dart gun. His eyes crossed and he sat back down.

"Kaimi, have someone take this man down and lock him in a cell, will you please?"

"On what charge, Madame President? Your new law says that everyone must be charged with a crime."

"Oh bother. Treason, I guess. And sleeping on the job."

"Yes ma'am." Kaimi shouted orders to the people huddling in the other room. Really, he seemed to be getting quite good at this. Maybe she'd keep him on after all.

"Is the phone service back up yet?" she asked.

"No ma'am."

"Drat. I had hoped to get in touch with Baby before now. She's apt to do something rash."

"Gods help us."

"Yes. Exactly. Well, come along."



Seven


Baby had barely slept a couple hours when the boats started slipping up on the shore. She rolled over in the sand and glared at the invading troops, but in the dark and they couldn't even see her.

So she stood up and yelled. "Get the hell off of this Island, right now, or I swear I'll have CNN here so fast it will make your heads swim." Soldiers stopped in mid-move. Breaths held. "You really don't want to find yourself interviewed on The Good Morning Show as the people who invaded another country without authorization --"

They headed back into their little dingys. She heard whispered curses, and complaints that they never got to invade any more.

Having had her sleep so rudely interrupted -- and knowing she couldn't trust them not to move farther down the beach and try again -- Baby headed for higher ground where she could watch out over the ocean.

Unfortunately, the top of the only cliff had a cemetery. Ah well. It was the night for that sort of thing, anyway.


Eight


Eerie sounds carried on the wind. The whisper of words. The sound of boats in water...

But they reached the cemetery without incident. It was one of those fine, old turn-of-the-century places, with winged angels, crypts, and crumbling old headstones. The ground felt spongy, and just as she reached the gate a wind sprang up out of nowhere.

"Stop that!"

It did.

"Come along Kaimi. We have work to do."

He started praying as he followed. Somehow Apache didn't think that was going to help much, not with what they were up against. But she didn't tell him. After all, she didn't want to scare the poor guy.

Weeds, coconuts and bottles lay strewn across the path through the cemetery. Apache kicked them out of the way with increasing fervor. "You people really must start taking better care of this place."

"Oh, but... but..."

"I order it. And if you don't want me to order you to do the work, you had better find someone who will."

"Yes, Madame President," he said, nodding vigorously.

"Good. Glad you understand that part. Now keep your eyes open for any movement."

"Movement?"

"Yes. You know -- things coming up out of the ground." He stopped and took a step backwards. She turned to look at him. "You really don't want to annoy me, now do you?"

"No."

"Come along. It's time we cleared this place out of unwanted inhabitants."

He squeaked a little, and slid up so close behind her that she could feel his hair on her neck. Great. Where was Baby when she needed her?

Something moaned, the ground trembling around them.

"Excellent," Apache said. "Won't be long now." Kaimi fell to his knees. He might have been praying, but Apache really couldn't tell, what with the other noises. She started forward and looked back at him again. "Fine. You guard here."

"Aaa--iiee--" His hand lifted and pointed, the arm shaking wildly like a limb in a wind storm.

Apache turned and saw a head rising above the wall of the cemetery. She pulled her gun, and fired.

"Oh damn. You could have just said go away, you know."

Thunk.

"Uh oh." Apache grabbed Kaimi by the arm and dragged him along. "I think I just make a mistake."

She pulled Kaimi until they reached the body sprawled out on the ground. She lifted the head and then laid it down again, patting the shoulder.

"Sorry. My mistake. And really, you have to start eating better. That stuff hit you very fast. Kaimi, you want to sit here with her for a bit? I'm going to give her the antidote, but I fear that it won't kick in before the others arrive."

"The others?" he said, watching with worry as she pulled a syringe out of her purse, broke off the end, and grabbed the body's limp arm.

"The ones we came here take care of," she murmured. "Damn. Too dark to see a vein. Hold this for me, will you?" She put Baby's arm in the man's hand. He looked a little squeamish. "She's not dead!"

"What is she?"

"She's my sister." He dropped the arm and tried to scramble away. Apache pointed the gun at him. For some odd reason, it made him stop. "Hold this arm. I have to get a light on it so I can give her the injection. She'd be very pissed if I left her sleeping here in the graveyard all night."

"Yes, madam president," Kaimi said. He sounded as though those words had become mechanical. He held the arm. Apache had the strangest feeling that he really had gone beyond fear to a new plateau. Fine by her. At least he didn't shake so much.

She pulled a small penlight from her bag and held it with one hand and the syringe with the other. Baby was so wonderfully cooperative for a change that she felt increasingly tempted to leave her unconscious. She paused a moment, but sighed and gave her sister the antidote anyway. Baby was going to be in a bad enough mood as it was.

"Okay. Baby is going to come around in about five minutes. Tell her to follow me into the crypt."

"Ack."

"Yeah, that'll be her reaction too," Apache said. She started away again, and then looked back at the two shadows on the ground. "Oh, and tell her I've named her General of the forces."

"ACK!"

"Good, good."

Apache headed for the crypt. The ground started to tremble and something moaned loudly. Then, just as she neared the opening, a white, filmy movement caught her eye to the right. And another.

"Don't mess with me tonight!" she said. "I got the damned message. I'll take care of it!"

The ghosts, wisely, disappeared.



Nine



Baby had a hell of a headache, and her arm hurt, like she'd gotten a shot by a sadistic nurse with a hatred for all mankind.

Ah. Apache's work. Right. Never give Apache anything pointed.

She rolled over and moaned, and blinked at the young man sitting beside her. His eyes went wide.

"A," she said. Her mouth didn't work.

"Madame President said to tell you to follow her into the crypt."

"Wha?"

"Follow her into the crypt."

"Ack."

"And that you are the new General of the Forces of Santa Servatus de Raton."

"ACK!"

"Right."

The shock swept away the last dregs of the drug. The ground began to shake, and she could hear a soft moan that rose in level as she moved. She pounded the earth beneath her. "Stop it right now! I have a headache!"

It did. The man tilted his head and nodded. "You are Madame President's sister. Good."

Baby nodded and started to stand. The world twisted and swirled around her.

"I'll need your help," she said, grabbing his arm and pulling him up as well. "I'm going to fall flat on my face."

"No, no, no. I will not go into the crypt! No --"

She took his arm and pulled him up. He looked into her eyes and began to whimper. "You'll be fine. Safer with us than not."

"No, no, no...."

"Come along. I have a few things to say to Madame President." She looked back out at the sea and saw more trouble heading their way. "Yes, do come along."

He didn't exactly go along willingly, but he did move and help her keep her balance. Nice looking young man, really. A shame he worked for Apache. Well, maybe she could find one of her own in the military. General of the Forces. Nice title, even though she had checked the stats on the island and knew the forces numbered less than 500 -- and three hundred of those had fallen into the hands of the Coast Guard in Texas. Apache probably expected her to get them back somehow.

Still, she'd never been General before. It was kind of fun.

"This crypt?" Baby said, looking into the darkness.

"Ack."

"Good. Come along. We don't want Apache to get too far ahead and have all the fun, right?"

She had to drag him along those last few steps into the darkness.

Ahead of them two red eyes came to life, blinking brightly.

"Oh Gods of my ancestors, please stand by me in my hour of need..."

"Ah," Baby said. "There it is."

She pulled him forward and jabbed the red-eyed monster right in the eyes. It let out a high-pitched wail --

And the door slid open.

"A shame about that alarm," she said, peering into the brightly lit corridor.

"What is that?" he said, looking over her shoulder.

"A secret installation, of course. What did you expect? The gates to hell?"

"Yes. Madame President was heading there. I expected hell."

"I like you! Do you have a name?"

"Yes, General Baby. I am Kaimi."

"Kaimi. Good. Let's go."

He appeared less reluctant now, which Baby thought a bit odd. It wasn't as if this was safe. But she didn't point that out to him. She still felt a little wobbly, and she feared she'd twisted her leg if she tried to go on alone. Besides, it wasn't often that Apache left her a nice looking young man. She had to make the best of it.



Ten


Apache had let them catch her. Yes, that's exactly what she did, she told herself. She had not fallen into the hands of a bald-headed little gnome of a crazy scientist and his sadistic, leggy blonde assistant. She had let them catch her and put her in this huge cage that held one terrified African Gray parrot that had pushed himself up into the farthest corner after Apache mentioned she hadn't had dinner.

President Morning Star Apache Sangre sat at the bottom of the cage and glared at the people who passed her by. They had stopped looking at her as they continued with their frantic work.

"We can't do it in so short a time!" one man shouted, grabbing at his bald head as though pulling his non-existent hair out by the roots. "We're ruined! The CIA will never fund us again! And it's her fault!"

People turned to glare at her, but Apache met their looks, and they turned away again, mumbling.

"What are we going to do, Professor Hagisdronsormsen?" the blonde asked, leaning over a computer display. "Abandon the site?"

"No," he said. He stood straighter. "No. We accelerate the program."

"That's dangerous, Prof," someone else said, looking up from his computer station. "No telling what might happen!"

The Prof had stopped trying to pull out the ghost of his hair, and now stared at a blank screen before him. "No, we'll be fine. We have all the data. We have the mechanics in place, and the Caulerpa taxifolia and mutated Saccophrynx ampullaceus have been treated and prepared. Yes, I had imagined another five years of study before we dared the next step, but we have enough of the radiated water. What's holding us back?"

"Sanity?" Apache offered.

"You're right, Professor," another computer-pounder shouted. "We can do it!"

"All we need is an hour of quiet," the Prof said. He began to frantically push buttons. Lights came up behind the giant screen.

Aquarium. Really big aquarium.

"Close the sea gates, secure the lab for transformation! Once I put this experiment in action, any sudden sounds or agitation would have catastrophic consequences," Professor Hagisdronsormsen said. He poised with his hand over the controls. Within the aquarium a few small fish darted here and there, looking out at the humans and then running for their lives. "Absolute silence is imperative at this point."

"Excuse me!" Apache said, drawing startled looks. "This is not a good idea --"

"You shut up," the blonde said, her beady eyes narrowing.

"Fine, fine. I tried to warn you." Apache leaned back against the cage wall and played with the lock pick in her hand. She could have left, but really this might be a good show.

"Humanity will thank us for this, when they know what we've done," Professor Hagisdronsormsen said.

He pressed the button.

A crane brought a small case, hardly bigger than Apache's hand, down into the aquarium water. The others stood to gather around the aquarium, faces pressing up against the glass. Apache stood. From her position in the cage, she could see over their shoulders. She saw the top of the cage open and the ugliest creature she'd ever seen popped out. The eel had a huge, gaping mouth, putrid green skin covered with mucus yellow spots and eyes the color of ... well, of shit. Even the foot high fronds of seaweed seemed to pull back from it.

"And now," the professor whispered. "Now it is time. Silence. Vibrations through the water after the release of radiation will -- change everything."

Apache started to speak. She changed her mind.

Professor Hagisdronsormsen gently pressed the button on his computer.

Tiny bubbles of light rose up from the floor of the aquarium, glowing with a rainbow of colors that encircled the eel and (thank God) hid most of the body. Apache squinted to see what was happening -- and then realized that she didn't need to squint quite so much.

The eel had begun to grow.

And that was when Baby arrived, setting off the alarms.


Eleven


They'd gone about forty yards into the underground installation before they saw their first person; a longhaired, wild-eyed man with a computer mouse still in hand. He charged past them, running for his life and screaming.

"What did he say?" Baby said, looking at Kaimi.

"Sounded like eel to me," Kaimi said.

"Yeah, that's what I thought, too." They kept heading downward. Baby's felt much better, but she decided not to tell Kaimi. She rather liked having someone tall, dark and handsome at her side for a change.

They ran into another man at the next corner. He had the entire computer trailing him, the power cord wrapped around his ankle. It did not slow him as he sped past. Baby had to leap the computer, and Kaimi gave her a disbelieving look, but put his hand around her waist again as they went on.

The parrot screaming at the top of its lungs, and flying upside down, wasn't as surprising as the tall, leggy blonde who shoved Baby aside, kicked Kaimi and kept going. She didn't say anything about an eel. Instead, Baby had caught something about 'bitch, unsafe, and a threat to humanity.'

"Ah good. We are on the right trail to find Apache."

They made another turn, and walked down a little farther, heading toward a room where lights arced and people shouted. At the doorway Baby looked down the short staircase into a room filled with desk, file cabinets and computer equipment. She finally found her sister, hanging on the outside of a cage of some sort. A baldheaded man stood inside the cage, screaming about ruined experiments. Water stood about knee deep across the floor and more seeped out of a crack in a wall-sized aquarium where a gigantic eel with a mouth the size of a VW Bug beat against the glass.

But that didn't bother her nearly as much as the huge, two hundred foot seaweed fronds that kept trying to strangle the creature.

"Bad timing, Baby," Apache said. She looked at the man in the cage. "Shut up, professor."

"Alan just wondered what was going on," Baby said. "I could come back later,"

"Good idea," Apache said. "I am a little busy."

The glass cracked more. Water reached the top of the desks where equipment fizzled and screamed before the power died in the room, leaving only glow of emergency lighting in the ceiling. The eel became more frantic in its attempts to get out.

"Maybe you better tell me now. You know how Alan hates unfinished reports," Baby said.

"Yeah, true," Apache agreed. She climbed up higher on the cage since the water began to lap the bottom of it now. "Well, I picked up the report, read it, saw that the CIA had funded research here, dropping several million dollars a year into the island. However, the natives lived at far below poverty level. I decided I didn't like it."

"Ah."

"The former President had died the day the report was sent out. The CIA suggested they just take the island over, oust the 3,000 people living here, and make it into a vacation spot for their own people."

"Ack."

"So I came in, took over the government, and started looking for the CIA lab."

"And the invasion of Texas?" Baby asked.

"Oh yeah, that." The eel now had a nose out. It appeared to have grown legs as well, but the fronds held on pretty tightly. "Of the five hundred members of the army, 324 are spies sent to find other spies. I sent them to the mainland. Now they're Texas's problem."

"Okay, good. I think that clears about everything up," Baby said.

"No interest in the CIA's experiment?" Apache asked.

Baby looked at the aquarium. "No, I don't think I want to know."

"You fools!" the man screamed. He made odd, grabbing motions at his head. "Man's greatest experiment, ruined because of your meddling! I could have fed the world, saved everyone from starvation. Eels the size of busses, ready for the slaughter!"

"Giant eels," Baby said. "With legs."

"The legs are your fault," Apache said. "You kind of upset the experiment with the alarms."

"And seaweed with eyestalks," Baby added. She shook her head. "So you were making huge eels to feed everyone. And what made you think anyone would want to eat huge eels?"

"I have eaten eels with every meal for decades!" the man exclaimed. "Eels are healthful, eels give you vitality -- eels --"

"Eat all the hair off your head?" Apache suggested.

"Eels would save the world! Eel farms in the sea! Eels on every plate! Eels --"

"Oh shut up," Apache said. She pulled out her gun and shot him.

He plucked the dart from his arm and threw it down. "Eels are the food of the gods! Eels will make us immortal, and you -- fools -- you have set my experiment back a decade or more! Eels will --"

"I said shut up!" She fired again.

Baby watched in amazement as the man pulled out another dart, and began to rant some more about the power of eels. Apache finally opened the cage door, stepped inside and slugged him. He slid down, silent at last.

"Immunity to the darts," she mumbled. "Baby, you need to eat more eels."

"As if. Unless Taco Bell starts putting them in nachos, you can pretty much forget it."

"Good point."

The glass cracked some more.

"Plans?" Baby asked.

"I was thinking a nice dinner, the early movie, maybe spend the rest of the night curled up with a good book."

"I meant now."

"Oh. Well. Not really. You?"

The crack in the glass spread from floor to ceiling and began to spider-web out to all the edges.

"I'm torn between run and swim," she said.

"Yeah. You want to help me get the professor out of here?" she asked.

"Not particularly."

"Huh. Well, if you don't, I won't let you keep Kaimi as an aide."

Baby looked at Kaimi and sighed. She began to wade out into the water.


Twelve


Sad when she had to bribe her own sister with nice looking young men to get any help. Though, to be honest, she wasn't certain if the places were reversed that she would have waded out past the giant eel, even for Kaimi.

The eel appeared to still be growing. So did the seaweed, which now had a dozen eyestalks, with head sized green eyes that darted around in different directions. And maybe a mouth there in the midst of the mass of fronds, but Apache didn't have time to really look carefully.

She shoved the professor out of the cage and half into her sister's arms before she leapt down and caught the man's legs. His middle sagged into the water. Baby began backing out, and Kaimi even came down to help them.

Unfortunately they had to go out past the aquarium. The eel had its entire head out, and slithered forward, even with the fronds holding tight. The things teeth looked like the size of dinner knives, and a hell of a lot sharper.

It got one leg out, but apparently didn't quite know what to do with it. That was the trouble with evolution, Apache supposed. One day you wake up with legs and you're supposed to suddenly become sentient and know how to walk besides.

It fell on its nose.

"Ugly creature," Baby said as they hefted the crazy professor up the first of the stairs.

"Yeah. Short bald guys with megalomaniac personalities don't do anything for me either."

Baby nodded.

Kaimi reached the doorway first, taking hold of one of the professor's arms and pulling upward. Apache shoved. They had him up and --

The glass shattered and the escaping water hit her hard from behind. Apache let go and went under. Damn. But she could clearly see the professor's legs and the stairs. Apache reached for them.

And something else grabbed her and pulled her away.

Apparently the seaweed had become considerably more intelligent than the eel. She looked into a bright, blinking green eye while the fronds turned her over and over until she had no idea which way was up.

Killed by intelligent seaweed.

Or maybe not. The eel started her way, the mouth wide. She could see right into its gullet. Not a pretty sight.

So many choices: Drown (right up there at the top since her head was about to explode if she didn't take a breath), strangled by the seaweed, or eaten by the eel.... Decisions, decisions....


Thirteen



Baby and Kaimi yanked the man up the stairs, dragged him around the corner, and into the arms of the invading army. Baby shoved the gnome into the first man's hands and kicked aside the rifle that the other one aimed at her. It went off and hit the eel - which had appeared behind them -- right between the eyes.

The world paused there for a moment, as the dozen black-clad, face-camouflaged secret band of warriors watched the eel shake its head, smile, and keep coming.

"Back!" Baby shouted. She did not have to tell the army people twice. She did have to grab Kaimi and yank away from the grinning eel. "I said back!"

"Madame President Apache!" he cried out.

"One problem at a time," Baby said. "If she shows up we'll deal with her. Right now we have the eel to worry about."

The eel seemed to be getting the knack of those legs. The army had retreated far faster than she and Kaimi, even with the gnome in hand. However, they had stopped at the next curve to make their stand. Baby saw the line of soldiers, some kneeling and some standing, all with rifles aimed --

"Down!" She yanked Kaimi out of the way.

The Eel came walking around the corner, water lapping at its knees. Baby and Kaimi slithered back among the soldiers who had opened fire. The shots did no good, of course.

But Baby and her aide (Apache said he was hers, after all) managed to get behind the soldiers before the eel reached the first in the line. With one delicately webbed foot, it grabbed a rifle. And ate it.

The others dropped their weapons and ran. Baby discovered she and Kaimi were not in the best position after all. She couldn't outrun this group so she flattened herself to one side of the wall and Kaimi did the same at the other side.

The eel had stopped to nibble on a few more rifles. Baby stepped down, picked up two of the tidbits and nodded. She smiled at Kaimi. He didn't appear to like the smile. Wise man. "Grab rifles," she told him.

"Rifles don't work against it."

"Breadcrumbs," she said.

He looked at the eel and nodded.



They reached the crypt opening with only one rifle left. Baby looked out to see the last of the soldiers scampering back over the cliff wall and heading down to the beach. They had left the professor draped over a headstone. She could also see other things in the graveyard; softly lighted shapes, spider web dresses, hair of moonlight. One floated up between she and Kaimi and looked down into the tunnels. It backed away in haste.

The eel looked uncertain about coming out of its hole. Baby waved the rifle toward it and it came another step forward, sniffed, and back up.

"Good eel. Nice eel. Don't screw with me now," Baby said. "You're still hungry aren't you? Want more rifles, don't you? Come along. I can show you where there are lots of rifles to munch."

"It doesn't want to come out, General Baby," Kaimi said. He sounded worried. "And the water is rising. Must have breached the sea wall down there. The gods know what the seaweed is doing."

Seaweed with eyestalks. She'd managed not to think about that problem for a little while.

"Come on, eel," Baby said with growing frustration. "Get your ugly ass out of the tunnel."

It rolled ugly brown eyes at her and held its place.

Baby walked back down and stood nose-to-nose with the thing. It started to back up.

"Don't do it. You do not want to get me pissed, understand? Now if you come out, I'll give you a nice rifle. If you go back down, I'm coming in after you and you will not be happy with the results. "

It blinked. It raised one leg and inched backward, and froze when she lifted her chin.

"Good. That's better. Now be a good eel and get out here."

It followed her up out of the tunnel and into the graveyard. Ghosts and Kaimi retreated in haste, and gathered into a little circle at the far end of the headstones. The professor woke up, looked up as the eel passed him, and screamed before he passed out again.

"Ha. I bet that put him off his feed for awhile," Baby said. She held up the last rifle. "Here you are. Come on. This way."

She led the eel to the edge of the graveyard and looked down the cliff side. The last of the soldiers slid down the ropes and scurried across the sandy beach to their dinghies.

"Good. Okay eel. Here you go!" She threw the rifle out over the cliff and toward the ocean. "Fetch!"

The gigantic mutant creature launched itself over the edge and out into the sky, briefly silhouetted by the bright moonlight. Wings may have been a better idea than legs, though really the idea of giant flying eels didn't appeal much to her.

Soldiers screamed from the shore below.

She gathered up Kaimi and headed back to the city.


Fourteen



Apache walked into the office late that afternoon to find her sister playing with the Ouiji Board. "I wouldn't do that if I were you," she said. "Leads to nothing but trouble."

"Hey, they got you where you needed to go," Baby said. She looked up and rubbed at her arm. "We're going to have a discussion about you and pointed things, by the way."

She nodded and sighed at the inevitable. "Get anything else from that board?"

"They said to say thank you. The radiation gave them heartburn. And they said not to worry about Professor Hagisdronsormsen. They have a few things to discuss with him before he leaves."

"Fine by me," she dropped into the sofa by Kaimi.

"How was your dinner and movie?" Baby asked, leaning back in the President's chair. Apache thought to order her out, but she wasn't in the mood to be dictatorial right now.

"Not bad. Did you know that no one on this island eats eels?"

"Wise people."

"Well, our work is done here. I suppose we better get back to Alan --"

"Not quite done," Baby said. She picked up a stack of old parchments and held them out to Kaimi, who took them and handed them to Apache. "Have you looked at the local constitution?"

"Glanced at it," she said.

"Better glance a little more," Baby answered. "Particularly Item 13 subsection e."

Apache flipped through the pages and found the proper spot. "And all Presidents shall be presented with their choice of concubines --"

"That's 13 c. I said 13 e."

"Ah." She ran her finger down the page, squinting a little. "Here we are. "And all Presidents shall be appointed for the entirety of their natural lives.... Hold on! I didn't sign up for that!"

"Actually, you did," Baby said, waving another piece of paper at her. She could see her signature flapping back and forth. "And according to Item 13 subsection e, part 23 footnote 5, all your appointments are for the length of your lifetime as well."

Apache looked at Baby for a long silent moment. Then she stood again. "Kaimi, Baby and I have to step out for a little while. You are in charge while we're gone."

He nodded. Baby grabbed a few things from the desk and pushed them into her pockets before she followed Apache out of the office and down the hall.

"Hey!" Kaimi shouted behind them. They both turned around. "Just thought you'd like to know that they moved the cable plane into hanger 3."


Fifteen


Alan made an unprecedented visit to Apache's new beachside house. Actually, he'd had the choice of them showing up at the office or him coming here. Apache had said something about not having anyone to watch her pets, and that brought him running.

Baby watched as he stepped through the door, looking left and right as though he expected to find something... unpleasant lurking in the entryway. When he didn't find it, he didn't appear any less worried. Baby waved him in and headed back to the deck.

"Would you like some eel?" she asked, pointing to a platter.

"Ah, no."

"Good. I think Apache is done with the analysis anyway, so I'm going to toss the nasty stuff." She picked up the platter and shoved it into the trashcan.

"Nice place," Alan said, looking around. "And no neighbors for a few miles."

"There were, but they moved out the first week," Baby said. "And we were real polite and everything. It wasn't our fault the government tried to drop all those para-military spies on us and claim they were really Santa Servatus citizens."

"It's not a mistake they'll make again. The shipping costs alone were pretty high when they got the bill from UPS. And the newspaper report didn't help. Was that your work?" he asked.

"Yes. I thought it was a nice touch. Apache and I have the reports done. You can take them back with you. Anything interesting on your end?"

"CIA denying everything, mail arriving at the office forwarded to the President of Santa Servatus de Raton, reports of a strange sea monster following ships, and a U.S. senator making hysterical calls about your sister and some pictures. Where is Apache, anyway?"

"Down on the beach playing with her new pet."

"Apache has a new pet? Gods help us."

He walked to the edge of the deck and looked down. Baby went with him. The camel frolicked in the sand, quite happy in his new home. The apartment had just been far too confining.

But Apache wasn't playing with the camel. Down in the bay a fifty-foot seaweed frond and a huge green eye retreated into the depths. Apache waded out of the water, looked up and waved, and then headed for the stairs up to the house.

"A."

"It makes Apache happy. You tell her she has to get rid of her pet, and she's not going to be happy any more. You want to be the one who does that?" Baby asked.

He looked back out at the sea. The eye slipped up out of the waves, and a frond the size of a 747 lifted and slapped the water, creating a wave that swept up the shore and drenched Apache. She looked back and laughed.

"Under no circumstances is she to bring this pet, or any of its offspring, to the office for us to watch while she's on an assignment! Is that clear?" Alan said. "The giant water dragons are more than enough. And what is it about your sister that causes pets to mutate around her? I'd keep a close eye on that camel if I were you."

"Hey, this one came mutated already!" Baby protested.

"I've read the prelim report. It didn't happen before your sister was in the room! Think about that one."

He did have a point.

"Hi Alan! Got a new assignment for us?" Apache asked as she came up the last few steps.

"No. Absolutely not. Never again."

"Hey, great. Then we're free agents now?" Baby asked, leaning against the railing. "There's so much I always wanted to do --"

"No! Gods, no! I'll find you work!"

"Good," Apache said. "Would you like to stay for dinner? We have other guests arriving soon. Should be an interesting evening."

"Interesting?" he said. His voice squeaked a little. "Who --"

"Ah, there they are now!" Baby said and pointed out to sea.

An island had appeared in the bay. People waved from the shore. Well, not quite people with their green, fiber optic hair and eyes that bulged out like bullfrogs, but Baby had learned not to judge by appearances. And they had some really good advice about running islands.

"We'll try to keep shop talk down to a minimum," Baby said, turning to Alan.

"Pizza done, Baby?" Apache asked.

"Yeah. And I remembered the de-icer this time, too."

"Excellent! Well, let's party!"

Alan was already heading out the front door.




The End